Seventy seven days ago, our son was born. Eight days ago, he died. We have come to the desert to recover. We have come to the place that is as dusty and desolate as our souls. Emotionally drained, it’s all I can do to walk through this life. Its good to get away, to vacate life. There are moments of tears and darkness but for the most part I’m very neutral. I can’t get much above neutral in the great plane of emotions. I miss him. I miss his soft warmth. I miss his baby smell and his big blue eyes. Just eight days since I held him in my arms but it feels like a lifetime ago. I am buried. Buried under this dusty terrain where little vegetation grows. I know someday I will return to the verdant land where I usually live. Just not today. Today, I mourn. My dreams and expectations are on hold. Don’t know what I’m to learn here, but I will try.
Holden Even Stephens 
Blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering.
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be your name.
He gives and takes away.
He gives and takes away.
My heart will choose to say.
Blessed be your name.
— love you, friend. I hurt for you. Holden was so blessed to have you and Bobby.
I know your pain and my thoughts and prayers are with you both! Hugs Michelle
You have the love and best wishes of many of us, but that may not help you through this time of pain and mourning. Do not think there is much to learn from this right now, except how to heal and rejuvenate yourself and Bobby, in both the figurative and literal desert you find yourselves. If you look closely at what seems to be a barren and desolate landscape, you will see signs of life. And if you wait just a bit, when the rains come, you will see life spring abundantly from what appears to be a harsh and lifeless landscape.
There is an old adage that time heals all wounds, but some wounds will never completely heal. The challenge is to recover to the best of your ability and to live with the residual pain. The pain and sense of loss will always be with you, but it will recede to manageable levels if you grieve and let it happen.
We love you and hope that your time in West Texas gives you the opportunity to come to terms with what you have been through. There is nothing harder than losing a child. Having lost one of my own, I also have learned there is nothing harder than seeing your child lose a child.
Take your time, and if feeling neutral helps you through this, take the time to experience that. I am encouraged that you know you will return to verdantness. It gives me hope that you will get through this and return to the vibrant, optimistic and confident person you are. Do it at your own pace and in your own way.
We love you both and are pulling for you.
My thoughts and prayers are with your family. You did everything you could for Holden, including honoring him by telling his story so bravely on this blog. A former coworker of mine recently celebrated the one year birthday of her daughter, Genevieve, who died in utero two weeks before her due date. She has been blogging about her experience over at http://landofabe.com/. Another person I hope you get to meet in the Austin food community is Becky Nichols, who created the Loving Libbie Foundation in honor of her daughter and who started Bountiful Bakery in Westlake after Libbie passed away in 2004. https://lovinglibbie.uscontributions.com/
I hope these links and our support, though virtual for now, can help send some love your way.
Oh sweet Tabatha! My heart is broken for you! I am so sorry to hear about your precious and beautiful Holden. What a beautiful memorial video! You and Bobby are in my thoughts and prayers.
It breaks my heart to hear of your precious son, Holden. He is your angel now and I sincerely hope and pray for your strength now and always. We lost our daughter Kate (4) to an unknown heart defect 5 years ago in June. We try to live our lives with a renewed sense of purpose in her honor. I know your pain and the only way I can get through it is to recognize and accept the kindness of our community and the love from our family and friends. Please let me know if you ever need support or someone to talk to who has been there. All my best to you. ~Kristin